News from the Near Future
with apologies to Max Headroom
The Virgin Mary is reported to have appeared to a group of Carmelite nuns yesterday, informing them that the American President's misadventure in Iraq was 'causing great grief' to her son. Members of the order who were present at the purported miracle were overcome with emotion, but one told this reporter, "Oh, it was really her, she looked just like I always expected."
(Throughout Monday evening, the faxes fly.)
Rush Limbaugh, Tuesday:
"and you'll love this - yesterday a bunch of nuns, apparently hopped up on peyote or something, claim to have seen the Virgin Mary, who basically spit on our glorious troops and insulted our president. Who knew the old girl hated America?..."
The Virgin Mary appeared live at an exhibition football game in New Jersey today. Her voice shook with indignation as she defended the sobriety of the Carmelites who reported her appearance yesterday. Let's go to the tape of the Mother of God speaking...
Free Republic, late Wednesday night:
Virgin, HAH! It was common back then, you know, to pass off an unexpected pregnancy as 'oh, it was God! I didn't have anything to do with it.' Common slut, is what she was. Who knows whose son that was she passed off as God's?
The Larry King Show, Thursday:
King: I'm here live with Jesus, son of God and the Virgin Mary, who's some kind of put out at the things that are being said about his mother. How 'bout it, Jesus? Can I call you Jesus?
Jesus: That's fine, Larry. Yes, I'm very upset at the nasty things these warmongers are saying about my mother, just because she accurately reported my feelings about what's going on in Iraq and the United States.
King: Accurately reported? So you're not happy with our War on Terror?
Jesus: What war on terror? I don't see any war on terror. I just see a bunch of bumbling idiots getting kids killed for no good reason. And you don't want to hear what Dad has to say about it...
Major sponsors, under pressure by Congress and the White House, pull advertising from CNN. More faxes fly.
Washington Post, Friday:
Major evangelical groups today came out denouncing Jesus Christ's appearance on Larry King last night. "If he's not with us, he's against us," said James Dobson, president of Focus on the Family. "I'm personally switching my deital allegience to Thor, and asking all my followers to do likewise."
Commentator Bill O'Reilly agreed with Dobson on principle, but not deity. "Who wants a hippy-freak commie-lover for a deity, anyway," he asked on his daily broadcast. "I mean, did you get a load of that hair? A Prince of Peace may have been all well and good for two thousand years, but let's face it, 9/11 changed everything. That's why I'm switching to worship Mars, the God of War. That's what it'll take to make sure we put that terrorist-deploying Allah in his place. I mean, who you gonna bet on in a cage match between Jesus and Mars, huh? It's like, no contest."
Jesus popularity polls dip. In a recent Gallup poll, favorability ratings for Jesus Christ dipped below 50% today, the first time ever since polling on the question started.... Surging deities include Thor, Ares, Mars, Loki and Kalli, all now well into double digits after languishing in the single digits for centuries...
AP, March, 2007:
The Vatican's attempt to canonize American president George W. Bush hit a snag today as it was pointed out that Bush was still alive. Pope Eric I (formerly Benedict XVI) brushed aside objections, pounding the papal lectern with his hammer of office for emphasis, and ordered the process of beatification to proceed as planned...
... you know it's only a matter of time.