Assault with a Deadly Glitter
Most of you know I'm co-owner of a store. It's a New Age store, and kind of 'girlie' (well, except for the swords and knives). We have a gazebo in the middle of the store with a pond. We sell candles, incense, herbs, all kinds of woowoo stuff. Just to paint a verbal picture here, we're the kind of place that glitters the floor. Yeah, it was originally to sort of disguise the age of the carpetting we can't afford to replace, but it looks really nice and people like it.
One tradition of the store is to sprinkle little girls with 'fairy dust' - it's really cosmetic grade glitter (safe to wear on skin) and now we call it 'pixie dust' to more closely identify it with our housebrand Pixie Mixers scented pixie dust.
Over time, 'big girls' have demanded their right to be glittered too, and of course we have obliged. One of our employees is quite good at 'dusting', and is quite a favorite among the ladies. The only way to describe this particular employee is 'olde worlde courtly' - he is truly of another century and I don't mean the Twentieth. He always asked if people would like some pixie dust, never 'dusts' without permission.
If the lady in question is wearing clothing such as would make what follows feasible, he often asked if they would like the 'racier' dusting, and if so, he sprinkles pixie dust in their cleavage. Just to make it crystal clear here: he does not touch the people he is dusting. The glitter falls through the air to land on the 'dustee'. It usually invokes quite a round of giggles.
Well, the other day, a young lady was shopping in the store who was happy to be glittered, but apparently didn't understand the 'racier' part until he had already dusted her cleavage. She was quite embarrassed, but not enough to say something to him. No, she said something to the girl at the checkout, who apologized and said we'd let him know it wasn't appreciated.
This apparently wasn't enough for the chick (it sounds like someone else has been 'spinning her up' offline), for she went and filed a police report. For assault. With glitter.
So in June, this guy has to report to the magistrate to answer a charge that he did, with malice aforethought, glitter someone. I'm truly speechless.
When you don't know whether to laugh or cry, laugh first.