The Gay Hustler Gap

Every election cycle, there's some new group that the demographers tout as the latest Must Have demo to win elections. The Democrats have to learn to appeal to People of Faith, pollsters warn. The GOP has a problem 'getting their message out' to minorities. Well, never mind your soccer moms or your NASCAR dads, the Dems have a bigger problem! Why are all the gay hustlers choosing the GOP over the party of inclusion??

I mean, it's counter-intuitive. The GOP isn't kind to gay people (never mind prostitutes) - they believe they're either sick sinners going to hell (the evangelical wing); or mental deviants who made bad choices and should Stop Doing That (the moral arbiters); or that they should stay out of sight and don't let anybody see them (the Dick Cheney wing). They don't believe gays should be allowed to serve in the military, or adopt children, or be able to marry the partner of their choice. Some go so far as to claim AIDS is God's just punishment for gays' sinning ways, and would even criminalize or institutionalize gays.

And yet for all this, all the gay hustlers flock to the GOP in lieu of the Democratic party, which at least believes that being gay is not a clinical psychosis but a condition of birth, and that some form of legal recognition of gay unions ought to be allowed. At its most inclusive, Dems are actively for gay marriage, if not perhaps gay hustling.

We're supposed to be the party of Sodom and Gomorrah, not those other guys. Just ask Newt Gingrich, he'll tell you - it was the If It Feels Good, Do It lifestyle so beloved of commie-pinko-hippy-liberals, he said, that caused Susan Smith to kill her children, after all. You should expect Do Anything liberals to embrace and accept your bad boy pasts.

Yet time after time, gay hustlers break our hearts by choosing conservative media outlets to pander for, conservative televangelists to snuggle up to, or prefer Ann Coulter's chilly embrace to our own. I simply do not understand it.

What do you need us to do, gay hustlers, to make you love us? Is it the self-loathing you find so attractive on the other side? We can self-loathe - really we can. We frequently quote Will Rogers on the subject of organized parties. Honestly, if I hear the term Circular Firing Squad one more time I shall scream. We often eat our own. It's what we do. Come on over to our side, Gay Hustlers; we can make you feel bad about yourselves in ways those other guys never dreamed of.