I'm a genius
You know it's true. I've just come up with a solution to our illegal immigration problem. Ready?
Simple and direct. Take the whole thing. All Mexicans are immediately US citizens. Think about it. We can steal all their oil, and no one said we'd have to, like, fix their problems or anything - look how much we're doing in the Gulf States (hint, nada).
It would perhaps satisfy the Naked Emperor's thirst for conquest for a while, until we can get rid of him. He can wear a Banana Republican Dictator's uniform and strut around wearing medals he awards himself.
Then the whole language thing becomes cute, like the way those old-timers in Maine talk, a-yup and all. Who ever told them to 'learn English'? No, we like regional variations when it's within the US. So... We just extend the US.